Grief is not a one‑size‑fits-all experience. Psychological research shows that people cope with loss in fundamentally different ways—and what might look like emotional absence could actually be a deeply felt, private process.

One important framework for understanding grief is the Dual Process Model, developed by Stroebe and Schut. This model says that bereaved people oscillate between two types of stress: loss-oriented (confronting the pain of the loss) and restoration-oriented (adjusting to the changes that follow loss).  Rather than pushing someone to constantly face their grief, it sees periods of avoidance as adaptive — giving people the emotional space to heal while also rebuilding their daily lives.

Grief styles also vary along a continuum: intuitive grief and instrumental grief, according to researchers Kenneth Doka and Terry Martin. Intuitive grievers tend to experience strong emotional pain and often show outward feelings like sadness and tears. Instrumental grievers process their grief more cognitively; they may withdraw, think things through, and show less visible emotion.  People often fall somewhere between these two styles, blending elements of both.

Gender differences often emerge in grief, though these are not rigidly tied to biological sex. Research suggests that men often take on more restoration-oriented, instrumental-grieving behaviors, while women more frequently express loss through emotion.  However, grief is shaped by personality, culture, and individual experience—not just gender.

Another powerful concept is the Continuing Bonds Theory, which argues that people don’t necessarily “let go” of loved ones after they die. Instead, healthy grieving often involves maintaining an ongoing psychological connection. Studies show that many men express these continuing bonds internally (e.g., through private thoughts or feelings), while external expressions may happen less often.

Putting all this together, grief can look very different depending on one’s style. Some people grieve loudly and visibly, while others grieve in solitude and silence. These differences don’t mean one person loves more or feels less—they just grieve differently. Understanding these differences helps prevent misinterpretation and fosters compassion, reminding us that a lack of tears doesn’t necessarily mean a lack of grief.